Journey of Love

You arrived in this world
Swaddled in love,
Anticipated,
Hoped for,
Delighted in,
Eagerly awaited,
Joyfully expected.

I breathed in your precious scent,
And held you when you cried,
And when you didn’t
Just because I could.

I watched in fascination
Your sleepy smiles,
Drowsy frowns,
Toes and fingers curled tight,
And wondered
What you dreamed,
Thought,
Felt,
Imagined,
And I loved you deep,
Tiny,
Precious,
Fragile,
Beautiful,
Child of mine.

I held you and watched you grow,
First step,
First tooth,
First bike,
And learned that I am not enough,

Because my love is
Flawed
And weak and vulnerable,
And self-centered,
And incomplete.

I held you small and warm
In the late September sun
As your Dad sawed you free
From an unlikely accident.

I’ve bandaged your wounds,
And iced your stings,
And held your head as they stitched it closed.

I held you when they set your foot,
And casted your arm,
And when you nearly passed out
From the shots
To set your fractured pinkie.
I held you close,
Sweating and wild,
As they injected
Every scratch and bite site
Knowing that pain was essential
To protect you from worse.

I spent long nights
In your hospital rooms
Learning about diseases
With impossible names
And trying not to cry.

And I held you close
When you finally cried,
And your body shook from a
Pain too big to fit inside,
And I cried and whispered
From deep in my soul,
The only words I could find,
“I’m so sorry!”

Sorry that I am not enough
That I can’t fix this,
Or reach your wounds,
Or salve your pain,
Or find the words to heal,
For I am not enough
And it hurts.

Too often I still get it wrong,
Sometimes every bit of it
In a thousand different ways
Saying what I shouldn’t,
When I shouldn’t,
How I shouldn’t,
Hurting you deep.
I speak when I ought to be silent,
And I’m silent
When you need me to speak.
I act without thinking,
Saying, doing, being
Something,
Someone
So other than you need,
Incomplete,
Insufficient,
Too small,
Too weak and weary
To ever be enough.

I’ve taught you to cook and clean
And write your name,
And handed you the keys
As you learned to drive,
But I will never be enough.
I’ve packed your suitcase
A dozen times
And you still arrived
With no Purell…

For I am not enough.
Not enough to love
Without exception,
Or limitation,
Or reservation,
Or expectation,
Or mistake.

But I will love you with all that I am.
Even when math is hard,
And chemistry looms
And SATs didn’t go as planned.

Even when you’re tired and stubborn
And lazy and refuse to do your chores,
I will love you.
My Kids

And when your words hurt,
And I cry,
I will love you
With all that I am.

Beyond your words,
Around every bend,
Through each season,
And every possible circumstance,

I will love you
However imperfectly
And haltingly incorrect,
And I will lift your name
To the One who
IS enough,
More than enough,
The only One who is able
To love you completely,
In wild abandon,
Beyond measure
Or price or worth,
Because you are His
Delighted in
Heir of the King,
Beautiful, precious,
Priceless,
Child of God!

*To my five precious, priceless treasures here on earth and their sweet sibling awaiting them in Heaven. I love you with all that I am! ~Mom

May’s Christian Writer’s Blog Chain theme is “journey.” Be sure to stop by the links to the left and may you be most blessed!

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24 thoughts on “Journey of Love

  1. This has to be one of the most epic poems I’ve ever read. Seriously. You never used the word “journey” once, and yet by the end of it I felt as though I’d been through one and back again. Your gift for expressing the entire range of emotions in a short space is boundless, Cindee.

    I’m deeply grateful you shared this with us. Thank you.

    Like

  2. I also shed tears, Cindee. Amazing the range of emotions that come with motherhood. Our depth of love for our children can at times be matched by the depth of our pain for them as well. Our hearts so intertwined, it is difficult, if not impossible, to separate their joy and pain from our own. Beautiful. Thank you, Cindee!

    Like

  3. sheilaodomhollinghead

    Motherhood is a neverending training ground. We never get it right, never love perfectly, yet we ask forgiveness and plow on. Great thoughts! Thanks for sharing.

    Like

  4. This was a very powerful and touching poem. As a parent I can greatly identify with much of this – especially the feelings of inadequacy and being “other” than what they need.
    Also, my deep condolences on the loss of the sibling waiting in heaven.

    Like

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